Fat pregnant pauses now hang in the conservations between Jill and I. The sea of new worry spreading out across the horizon. The tax return Jill and I received evaporated quickly this year, instead of going to fixing rooves, floors, or even children's birthdays. This year it went faster than most as it its spent on a hotel stay in Boston stay with a failed visit to the great Dana-Farver or continuous stay and travel 3 hours from our home.
Jobs hiring fast have become my fare of the day, hard packing interviews between travel to our Home on Friday and our return Monday, each finding its place around Chemo Tuesday. As our bank account shrinks faster than Jills tumor, finding any job has gone from a requirement to a necessity. Jill has even dug out an old candle making kit from her closet in an attempt to create something in the in-between marked by chemo and radiation with weekend vacations to our home.
Today we are at chemo as Jill sits waiting for the first of her two bags of hydration out of the four IV bags she receives in total in the course of the next five hours. It’s a strange shift when the continues fear of the cancer breaking our family down the center to now share space with the added fear of what were to happen if we can no longer afford the weekly dislocated stays 3 hours from our home, will she react as well to treatment then is we are still even able to make the dates. If it hadn't been God acting through the extreme kindness of friends, family, and even strangers she wouldn't have made it this far.
Jill's fear of the brachytherapy has only intensified as the Monday morning visit with the radiation Doctor observing her treatments greeted her questions with 'I'm working to save your life' just before he scheduled her with a visit to her primary doctor and a social worker and stood abruptly and left the room the questions unanswered with nothing to dispel the fear of the dangerous and invasive procedure on the horizon.
Until her primary doctor is able to meet with her once more it's only the cold lonely words from the internet to guide my wife as she steps forward, the horrible question of cervical cancer answered only with strangely named procedures each one holding its own danger lurking beneath its depths.